The following is an excerpt from The Book of Magic Bollocks. I think it sets out my position clearly. You will be hearing more from me about this in 2012.

Animals in Magic

I am going to be uncharacteristically controversial for a bit. I would hate to think that anyone would lump me together with some of the more loony animal rights organisations. I enjoy free-range chicken wings as much as the next artery-clogged fatty, but the use of animals in magic is another issue entirely. It is my considered opinion that magicians who use animals in their acts are all cunts.

[Magician-only section removed for web site].

It is purely incidental that dove production routines are among the most tedious things you will ever see on a stage. Even if they were fantastically exciting, it wouldn’t justify wrapping the birds up and shoving them in your hot sweaty places until required.

And I don’t really care that birds are stupid. Fish are stupid too, but keeping a live goldfish in a  [secret removed]  until your hackneyed climax of chucking it in a martini glass just isn’t cricket. And don’t get me started on crickets.

I understand that the film and television industries nowadays take animal welfare very seriously, but the less ubiquitous branches of the performing arts do not have the same safeguards. Fewer and fewer of the British public are prepared to accept performing animals in circuses, and anyone whose magic is so lacking in sparkle that they feel the need to incorporate animals would do well to take heed of this change in public perception.

All over the internet there are film clips of matadors coming a cropper at the pointy end of a bull in its death throes. When a twat dressed like a scatter cushion tortures a bull and then becomes gored, there is a voice inside every right-thinking person that says “Hahaha! Take that, you fucker!” I believe that voice can also be heard when a pissed-off tiger on a Vegas stage decides enough is enough.